I’ve been thinking as I always do. You are not in trouble if that fear gremlin is already starting to find purchase in your mind, rest easy. I was pondering the duality of my parents and how I reflect both of them in how I treat myself and to some extent how I treat others. 

You were lucky enough to meet my dad and you experienced how he was very chill and sweet man. What you may not know though, is he was very much the embodiment of the quote “It’s better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war” (The Book of Five Rings: The Classic Guide to Strategy, by Miyamoto Musashi). He fought in the wars in Cuba. He trained people how to fight. He was exposed to violence. I remember once he told me a story of how him and other men were so nervous standing in a field before a battle was supposed to start out, that every single one of them were compelled to take a shit. He had that level of intimate knowledge. I know it is a little strange to use the word “intimate”, normally reserved for nice things, to describe people needing to take a shit, but it does convey how close to it he was. And that was why, when he was on his deathbed, he felt it was important to let me know he never used violence on us growing up. I only ever heard him raise his voice once, and that was to break up a fight between my brother Alex, and my sister. I can’t depend on my visual memory, but I think I vaguely recall my brother had my sister pinned against the wall (he tended to leverage his size as a weapon). I don’t remember how my father stopped it (he usually wasn’t around to deal with all the fights I experienced in the house), but I do distinctly remember him yelling “I will not have violence in this house“. The point of me telling this story is relate that while my default demeanor has always been to be quiet or “chill”, I still have that part from my dad that will stand up and do something once it becomes necessary. I was reminded of my father a lot during that scene in Dune between Duke Leto Atreides and his son Paul, when the duke said “A great man doesn’t seek to lead. He’s called to it.”. When I look at a picture of that seen, I realize how similar Oscar Isaac’s eyes look to my father’s when my father was significantly younger. There is an aspect of that idea that stirs inside me when I step up and call you out on your financial struggles or other actions/inactions that run counter to where you want to be in the long term. I do struggle with walking into conflict, but in the end the part of my papa that knew it was necessary sometimes takes over. I remember my father telling me about what he appreciated about my sister’s ex-boyfriend (back when they were dating and living together). He noted how Marcello could be “hard” and that was something my sister needed. Not hard as in hyper-masculinity, but in setting boundaries and goals…his leadership qualities. Having first hand experience living with my sister these past 2 years has helped me understand a bit more about why that relationship ultimately failing (outside of my sister’s sexual identity, which I’m sure was a factor). 

I wanted to switch over to talking about my mother. All you ever got to see of her was that one video my father saved and a handful of photos. While she could be a trickster imp some days and then some days seethe with that quiet anger that I’m well known for, she was also the disciplinarian when it came to my parents. She was the fire-brand, which is a trait she got from her mother (along with the generational trauma cycle that she fought so hard to break). I think this has a large influence on my affinity towards flawed and aggressive women in stories. She could have easily been a Michelle Rodriguez, if she wasn’t so busy being a mother. When my grades started failing, she was the one that set the rule that I couldn’t play games during the week. When I got my hands on games that were over the top on violence, she was the one that forbade me from playing them (even if I was above the age for their rating…my teenage self didn’t understand why she took her actions but the adult me does now). I could be arrogant and dumb as a teenager sometimes. I have a memory I wanted to share about the one time she slapped me for saying something incredibly arrogant and ungrateful…it is still too painful to share in detail. But, I can say when I got hit, I instantly knew I was in the wrong.

I have a reason for sharing the intensity that was my mother. Whenever I was disciplined by her, no matter the method, she always let me know there was a point to it all and that she didn’t want to do these things. I have my father’s outward chillness, but buried beneath is the drive to make the changes needed to keep life moving in the right direction. My other instilled the inner discipline I needed to restrain myself from the actions and inactions that keep me from my long term goals. I just struggled taking on her ability to step into conflict. I didn’t want to get into the big fights she got into with her sons; I didn’t want to give into the violence (emotional or physical) that my father was so against. But I understand now the need to face conflict from a place of love.

All of this circles back to you and our intent to have kids. We never really discussed how we wanted to handle raising kids in terms of values. The ability to stand up when needed, the ability to face conflict, and the ability to set their own inner discipline are values I need to teach them. To that end, I need to practice the same values when it comes to you. 

I have a good idea of where you want to be, but you struggle with remembering and being consistent in the areas you need to be. I want to help you with these things, even though I know to do so runs the risk of you possibly feeling like you are being treated like a child. Channeling my father, I know it is necessary to take this step for our long term goals. But I also know that I need you to find a way to internalize the values my parents passed onto me, for someday something will happen to me and I need to know you’ll be okay. These traits kept me going through some of my darkest days. Our kids will need them too. I know it isn’t popular these days to be rigid about these things, or even to take a stand on one’s personal beliefs (unless they nicely line up with whatever echo chamber you happen to be in)…but my love for you is greater than that.

This is what I’d like to do. First, I want to calibrate on your goals. Or rather, where do you want to see yourself in terms of your health and career. Channeling my mother’s spirit, I know how to do the things that are needed to get where I want to get to. It does involve me getting into conflict, but the spirit my father lets me know that it is okay and necessary to do these things. I can help remind you to do the things (or avoid the things) you need to do, even though it risks firing off your internal ego defenses. My intention is to eventually get you back to a point where you are self-sufficient enough. I know the challenges with your sleep, work, health, and depression make it near impossible to do what is needed. So I can help you until these other factors get to a better place. Consider it like a practice for our kids. I’m going to be that father who seems really chill but takes 0 shit…hopefully our kids end up the same.